3.Did the Rumpkins Have a Third Reprise as the San Francisco Shakespearian Theatre Company?
Yes.
There, of course, was an immediate media firestorm, following the capture of Rafferty and Furbush, but not much detail about the bombing at the wastewater treatment plant. That bomb went off in a car. No bodies were found. No injuries to report. Unbeknownst to Skip, Gordy took it upon himself to start a rumor that Rafferty was on to Jane being an informant and, wanting to eliminate her, had that bomb set to go off early while she was driving to St. Patrick’s Cathedral. FBI Agent Stover picked up on the rumor and theorized “that explains the change in plans from Rockefeller Plaza to Times Square. Rafferty had it all figured out – knowing Jane was giving us info we’d all be looking in the wrong places, and he could get rid of Jane at the same time. Which also explains,” Stover continued, “the guy in Muslim garb, not a bomber at all, just some homeless guy who says he was paid fifty bucks to put the costume on, and at 5:30 walk up to the Christmas tree and leave a present.”
With both Rafferty (aka Dougherty) and Furbush safely in custody, and deciding to go with the theory that Jane had gotten blown up by Rafferty (some human remains were actually found in the car – still not positively identified), the media conference was called for 9 p.m. on the steps of City Hall.
Earlier, Skip had insisted it be an outdoor setting (the weather cooperating).
Also earlier, Patty had explained everybody’s deployments: “Skip, you, me, Steve and Rocky will already be there – taking Huck’s car. The rest of us in the Land Yacht. Skip, make sure the cops have cleared a way for the Land Yacht to drive right up onto the sidewalk. We’ve got a simple sign ready: ‘FUTURE PARTY for a UNITED United States. Find us at <rumpkins.com>’
At precisely 9 p.m. the Mayor strode to the microphone. Every conceivable media outlet at the ready. The Mayor was long-winded, but basically said two things: ‘Aren’t our cops great!’ and ‘The City is safe!’
Then the Police Chief and FBI Bureau Chief Stover had turns. Stover went second. With tie loosened and a trench coat draped over his arm, here’s what Patty recorded verbatim:
“This could have been an awful, awful Christmas Eve, but I’m extremely happy, extremely happy, to report that a planned terrorist attack has been completely foiled without injury or loss of life to anyone, except one of the terrorists. Two bombs went off in New York City tonight, one a car bomb on Randall’s Island, with no one nearby, except, we believe the terrorist inside. The other went off in Times Square, inside the New York City Bomb Squad’s Explosive Ordnance Disposal Unit. Yes, inside the bomb squad unit. We found the bomb and caught the suspects before anyone was hurt. I am so proud, so very proud, of everyone, including ordinary citizens, who helped foil the attacks.
Our investigation of these terrorists is continuing, but it appears to be connected to the bombing of Dodger Stadium two months ago. I believe the three individuals involved in today’s attack, all U.S. citizens, all three Caucasian, were acting alone, but pretending to be part of a jihadist terrorist cell operating out of Vancouver, British Columbia.
I say pretending because, by definition, terrorism requires a political or ideological or religious motive. And there’s no evidence that the perpetrators here had any motive other than scaring us into thinking a jihadist cell was behind this, to stir up animosity against our Muslim community. Perverse. In fact, it is the Muslim community that helped to provide a big clue as to what was being planned.
We have confirmed that there is a posse comitatus group, with known Proud Boys connections, in the mountains along the Colorado River in Montana that has been boasting about being anti-government, pretending to be a posse comitatus but actually was involved in sex trafficking. Yes, that’s right folks, sex trafficking. I don’t care what you thought about a posse comitatus of white guys wanting the federal government to back out of their lives before today, but this particular group has stooped to an all-time low, bringing girls as young as 13 and 14 into this country to be sex slaves – selling them for a profit to a syndicate, perhaps stretching across all of North America, a syndicate we’re going to bring down in the next day or so. No time for Christmas for the Nation’s women and men in blue when we’ve got scum-of-the-earth individuals selling children into slavery. And we’ve got two of these scum-bags behind bars tonight because they thought they would pretend to be terrorists too.
I mentioned a jihadi connection. Well, that connection is to the sex trafficking, not the bombings. Indeed, our scum-bag, anti-federal-government, white proud-boys are scum-baggy enough to be in concert with known jihadists to make money off importing young girls from Thailand. Yeah that’s right, claiming to be patriotic and pro-Trump on one hand and sullyfying that very belief on the other.
Thank you. Thank you for hearing me out, for listening to my sort-of-sermon. Thank you to our men and women in blue. And one more thank you.
Maybe you’ve heard of the ‘Traveling Rumpkins.’ If not before, then you will now. They are the group who uncovered tonight’s bomb plot and broke up the international sex trafficking ring. Let me introduce one of their leaders, a former legislator from the great state of Minnesota, the Honorable Skip Dewar, who will let you know how they did it.
At this point, a series of events unfolded:
-The Land Yacht swooped onto the sidewalk.
-Sally jumped out shouting: “Praise the Lord. The Rumpkins in the nick of time!
To save my life – I’ve been saved!
Now it’s time to save us all! – Vote Forward Party!”
-Then Huck jumped out, guitar in hand, singing: “Oh say can you see SKIP over There,
With no bombs bursting in Air,
Tell it all . . . Do we Dare?!”
-At the podium, Skip took the microphone (his hat on) and once again Patty has it verbatim:
“The Rumpkins started as a theater troupe out of Minnesota, not San Francisco, making our way across the states looking for a way to unite the United States under the banner of freedom. Freedom to read what you want. Freedom to love how you want. And freedom at the ballot box to vote for whom you want! – not have your vote be wasted when you choose someone besides the Democrat or the Republican. We travel under the banner of the Forward Party – not left, not right, but forward!
. . . But a strange thing happened along the way. We got tangled into a murder mystery that led to us learning about an impending terrorist attack and a child sex operation. I think most of you have been handed a media release with all the details.”
-Then Skip pointed everybody to page 2 of the media release where Boulder, Montana is mentioned and said:
“Now Boulder is a small town, but it has some very big and very brave citizens, one of whom is with us tonight. Susie, raise your hand. If it weren’t for Susie Cole’s bravery and heroics and super-sleuthing, we never would have cracked this sex ring, with its headquarters in Boulder. And cracking that sex ring is what led to stopping these bombs from going off here in New York City. How ‘bout a round of applause for Ms. Susan, we call her Susie, … Cole!!
One more thing before we take questions. I said we were a theater troupe, that’s true, a street theater troupe – as you can see – and yah, we’re kinda political – as you can also see – but we use FUN for our middle name . . . . and ALL OF YOU – everyone here, everyone watching – everyone is invited to our New Year’s Eve Party. The Rumpkins New Year’s Eve Party. Right here. Same time. Same place. Maybe we’ll stretch all the way to Times Square . . . .
. . . . The thing is though, you’re only invited if you believe all of us, red or blue or Black or white or lavender, old or young, recent immigrant or your family was on the Mayflower . . . believe that America’s best days are still to come, that we can be united, that it’s time to toughen up our democracy, time to unite in fighting terrorism – and insurrections – and promote a peaceable democracy, one person, one vote, by the people, of the people, for the people!
Of course, a huge-huge crowd had gathered. Just about everybody who was on their way to the Midnight Mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral – or had been to the Children’s Mass earlier – or had been at Rockefeller Center to watch the lighting of the five-story Christmas Tree (but instead watched the take-down of an innocent homeless man paid to dress like a bomb-carrying Muslim). And folks streaming down from Times Square, or coming in from Connecticut or New Jersey or wherever.
The media conference ended with Skip inviting all of us up to the podium, and we started in with our 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 chant, but quickly broke into “Silent Night, Holy Night” led by Huck. Second time through, everybody joined in.